Do you remember the first time you discovered the real meaning of the phrase, "flying down the road?"
From my perch in the back, I hung casually over the front
seat, my elbows crooked up under me, my head swiveling back and forth between
my older sister and her friend, David. As I did my best to look cool, David
maneuvered the torpedo of a car up the hill of a narrow residential road near
our house. He leaned back like a man in
control, his left arm extended casually to the top of the wheel, his right hand
gesticulating its way through the laughter of our conversation.
At 14, my parents had granted me the much anticipated
privilege of riding home from school with these worldly teenagers. They knew David; he was a “nice boy.” I caught my first giddy whiff of freedom as I
laughed, probably too loudly, at his jokes on that day. When we crested the hill and began to speed
down the other side, I sat up straight on the edge of the green vinyl upholstry, both hands
gripping the front seat for the leverage you need when you’re not wearing a
seatbelt. The big sedan harrumphed over
the uneven road in that barely-touching-the-ground kind of way that only a big
car can. When I bounced so high I bumped
my head on the roof of the car, we all hooted and hollered to the sky of
invincibility. We were flying!
Many years later, I watched Gareth ride his bike for the first time down a hill
by our house. His little red two-wheeler
wobbled precariously as he picked up speed.
His wonky helmet sat cockeyed on his precious little head; his legs
pedaled furiously. If I could have seen
his face, I’m sure it would have exuded pure exhilaration. Me? I clutched
my hands to my chest and held my breath.
Does any parent breathe while they’re doing this
letting-go-thing?
I haven’t yet.
On Friday, as I unloaded my tutor supplies from my van, an
unfamiliar red car pulled up in the driveway.
“Who’s that?” I wondered as I observed a teenager behind the wheel. The back door opened and out climbed Gareth,
hauling his back pack behind him with an unmistakable swagger.
I had not given permission for him to ride in cars with
other teenagers, so I was unhappy that he’d done so without my permission. I stuck to that line of commentary for the
afternoon, reprimanding him for getting in the car when he knew I would
disapprove. But inside, I wondered if a
new milestone had arrived.
The school
thinks so: last year the soccer coach required parents to sign a waiver
allowing underclassman to drive to practices with upperclassmen (even though it
was never necessary). The state thinks
so: many of Gareth’s friends have gotten their learner’s permits. Gareth thinks so: obviously. I guess the only remaining question is: what
do Steve and I think?
He is 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. I was only 14 that first day I went
“flying.” Of course, I don’t ever want
Gareth to careen down a hill like that.
But in the same breath, I don’t want to deny him that feeling I had: the
independence, the invincibility, the sheer being. Teens have to get that somehow.
I also think it’s a little hypocritical for me to deny freedoms
to Gareth that I enjoyed at his age. I
don’t really buy into the idea that we live in a more dangerous world. We live in a different world with different
threats, yes, but more dangerous? I’m
just not sure. Only luck kept me safe on
the day I went soaring down a narrow hill in a wide car. The reality is that most of the time, we are lucky. We’re lucky every time we come to the end of
a day and crawl into the safety of our flannel sheets with our families
intact.
Rather than suffering more danger, perhaps we are just more
fearful. Perhaps we are less comfortable
living in a world where bad things can happen on the day when luck doesn’t show
up. We try to guard against this by
regulating danger away (banning kickball, tag and running(!) on the playground,
or keeping our kids on a short leash in the neighborhood).
I have tried my best to resist this trend, to give my kids
more freedom--to raise “free range kids,” when I can. I don’t really know how good I am at it, quite
frankly, but I try. It takes guts to let your kids
walk to the pool and cross a four-lane street by themselves when the other moms
say it’s too dangerous. If something
goes wrong, you will not only suffer loss; you will suffer judgment.
Despite all this trying, when it comes to cars, I admit I’m
a bit of a disaster. Having been privy
to what happens when luck takes a nap, I know how quickly the familiar insides
of a car can turn alien with the aura of injury and death. Those experiences have left me scarred, and
I admit, I feel terrified by the idea of letting Gareth go out into the world
in a car. “Free-range” evokes sweet
bucolic images of chickens and children running around harmlessly in a field
full of dandelions, doesn’t it? I don’t
see a car anywhere in that picture.
But perhaps I just never noticed it.
I can’t keep Gareth locked up in a bird cage just because I
feel afraid, right? I’ve backed myself
into this cliché now, so I’m obligated to ask, is it time to “let him fly?”
With a little trust and a lot of luck, I need to let him
go. He won’t get a free pass or
anything, but when necessary, with kids we know, and with prior
permission, it’s time to let Gareth, drum roll: ride home from school with a teen driver. It doesn’t sound like much, but I know it’s a
slippery slope. We’ll start with riding to
and from school with upperclassmen.
Then it will be his friends driving, and then it will be him (he’s young
for his grade). Eventually he’ll be driving
to friends’ houses on the weekends, and finally, he’ll simply be “going
out.” I’ll only think I know where he’s going.
I can’t stop this progression. I can only stand behind with my hands clasped
to my chest, holding my breath.
