Friday, January 4, 2013

pms: the werewolf within

Standing in line at the grocery store this morning, I felt a kernel of annoyance.  It didn’t take long for the seed to lay down some roots and get to some serious sprouting.

It was the mother in the line next to me.  She spoke to her toddler in an incessant sing-songy stream of nothingness that made me want to pull my hairs out, one by one. 

“See junior, there’s a cart! Can you say cart?  And the milk, yes that’s milk.  No junior, not now.  For later.  Aren’t you smart, yes that’s the juice.  Juice is for breakfast.  What did we have for breakfast today?  You’re right!  Pancakes!  Good remembering!” 

I started to feel itchy about my neck.  I rolled my head around to alleviate a kink.  I shifted from antsy foot to antsy foot. 

Still she went on:

“Yes junior, you can push the cart, just not too far.  GOOD JOB!” 

I raised my eyebrows, bugged out my eyeballs, and took a huge shoulder raising breath. 

“No, no, Junior.  That’s not for you.  Good listeni—”

Just before hair sprouted from my forehead and jowls, just before my canines elongated at the scent of this juicy well-behaved child; just before I roared a shocking “SHUT UP!” at this poor oblivious mother, I realized it. 

The transformation was upon me.

Why do folktales so consistently represent werewolves as men?  Surely the stories of these fictitious beasts, who cycle with the moon from perfectly civilized human beings into maniacal spittle spattered monsters, derive from the hormonal ragings of not-so-fictional menstruating women. 

Right? (I’m in no mood for contradictions).

You know, werewolves will attack, even if unprovoked.  I realized as I stood in line, with fur erupting ominously from my chinny chin chin, that I had no business being there, endangering innocent children like that.  I could have used an early warning system:  flashing lights, a siren, and a calm but robotic woman’s voice directing customers and anyone else with a beating heart, to clear out and seek appropriate shelter.  Is there an app for that?

Once it gets a hold of you, no pills, no amount of meditation, yoga or intense exercise can calm the beast.  The only true remedy:  isolation.  Set me loose in the woods at night where I can crash through trees, gnaw on a mutton chop (organic & local of course), howl and rant at that great maddening orb of a moon that would never talk back or take offense.  Doesn’t it sound glorious?!

The next morning, having forgotten the blood and the gore from the night before, I could awaken in my own lovely skin, as all werewolves do, oblivious to my transgressions.  I’d smile sweetly at my unscathed children and wonder vaguely why they spent the night locked in the cellar with their intrepid father. 

Alas, without the benefit of isolation in a great wild wood, I instead found myself in that grocery line, baring my teeth with menace at a perfectly innocent mother and child. 

For everyone’s safety, I raced out of the store and locked myself in the house where I waited in blissful solitude until 5pm, when I could subdue the thirsty beast with a nice woody cabernet.

10 comments:

  1. At least you didn't wake with her blood on your hands, hair in your teeth and a foggy memory! Personally, I think she needed a punch in the neck. That kid's teachers are gonna love having his mom coming for touchy/feely conferences, eh?

    Love the parts about "app for that" and the cabernet!

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    1. Hey Katy! you're right - a foggy memory the day after a bad pms attack would be bad indeed! (or maybe it's just better to forget?)

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  2. Chocolate and cherry coke...that is what sustains me in these times. Along with the common sense to closet myself in my room with a book and a fuzzy blankie!

    and...I'm giving you a(nother) blog award, because you are awesome! http://nuannaarpoq.wordpress.com/2013/01/05/saturday-musings-2/

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    1. i am back online! so thank you again for the award! but i have to say - i can't believe YOU are advocating chocolate and cherry coke!! you're supposed to give me the herbal remedy, the natural cure! :)

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    2. Lol! There *are* natural, herbal remedies like chasteberry, dandelion root, black cohosh, to name a few (which would probably make a good blog post, yeah?)...but I've found that chocolate (hey, that's herbal!) and cherry coke (mostly because its a psychological comfort thing). I'm not adverse to placebos!

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    3. yes - sounds like a great blog post! you better get on it if you want to save my family for next month! :)

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  3. This was my life a couple of years ago as menopause creeped up on me. This is a challenging time for us middle aged women and probably more challenging for our family who has to live with us! Your blog was right on target - thanks for starting my day with a good laugh.

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    1. glad to be of service! :) and yes, the poor fam, living at the mercy of my hormones cannot always be fun!

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  4. Great post! You're right! It has to be women!

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    1. I'm glad you think so! I thought of you when i wrote this (because of folklore, not werewolves!) and wondered if you'd ever read anything on the origins etc.

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